Celebrate Her Life

 And here she is, sitting in the middle of the night, nine days after a new year, looking back for a while, reflecting on her life one year passed. Too many to share, too many to discuss, through ups and downs, through many crying until she falls asleep, but also happy tears to celebrate. She knows she is too fragile to express what is in her mind, too easy to drown in her mixed feelings. But she has to; because this is the only way she understands that life isn’t that bad, that life gives her so many ways to learn, that life brings so much joy in the middle of desperation, and that life is the way to find the originally-yet-ordinary human being inside herself.

All the failures, all the punishments by herself, all the embarrassing things, she faced with a full consciousness. She cried a lot when she couldn’t understand what the natives said to her. She pitied herself when she was too shy to talk in English with someone when she came a long way to a new country. She tried so hard to be more engaged with people, but in the end, she always felt foolish and lonely in the corner street, feeling small, weak, and nothing. She changed a lot, from someone who knew everything, the best in the class, to someone who knew the definition of enough, knew when to stop, and understood that everything does not always happen as she imagined. It is hard for her, to be more real, to be more ordinary. Sometimes she just swam in her mind, loaded with so many unanswered questions, while she knew there was still a day she needed to accomplish or other people’s feelings that she needed to care about. On some other days, her plate was full, messy, and never untidy until now.  She knew some of her dreams would never occur, or even had to be buried deeply under her mind. But still, she is alive. She knew, she just needed to feel the pain, the anger, and face all her fears.

She finally understood that she had grown up. She is allowed to celebrate her little achievements. It is fine to buy expensive but delicious food when she finishes her difficult assignments. Or being unproductive while scrolling Instagram for 3 hours, watching people enjoy mukbang Nasi Padang which she missed a lot this time. It is fine to be wrong repeatedly, not knowing the answer to the lecturer’s questions in class, or just staying in her room full day without talking to someone else in her flat. It is okay to have the desire to resign every year or complain about rush morning because the distance between her house and office is 1,5 hours commute.  But this is the life that she got, this is the life that she chose.

She never imagined life already brought her far away from the place she called home. Everything new, everything rare, so many questions and confusions, so many guilty feelings and so on. That past year, she did everything that was beyond her thought. Tie the knot with someone she had only known for the past 2,5 years, but surprisingly felt like he already knew her for more than a half lifetime, more than she knew herself. Forever is a very long time, and marriage life is scary, but with him, she knew, they would keep the ‘I do’ not only by their mouths but with everything that they have, powers and souls. Everything was never easy since day one, sometimes she admitted that she was tired of understanding each other. She felt desperate to show how much she sacrificed, how much she loved, how much she forgave, and how much these things had taken her energy. But she never stops trying, or stops loving him, because she realizes, he is her life, not only a half, but a full life, and of course, it means that she really can’t live without him.

She also lived in one of her big dreams, which she had written nine years ago. She dreamed of studying abroad, living outside her comfort zone, lost on the other side of the world. Yes, she did. She already walked that far. Sometimes she is just busy asking for explanations about the reason behind her failures, but never realizes she also made so many achievements in her life-worth to be proud of. She never gives up. She may be late, years behind other’s people journeys, but she enjoys every moment, even feeling why life running so fast at her pace. She now understands that she is strong enough to live in this cruel world. It is never easy to live alone in a new country with a different culture, but after 3 months, she realized she had mastered it well. She remembered nine years ago when she came to Yogyakarta to start her college life, she cried a lot because her right-hand thumb was injured, or when her phone was stolen by a pickpocket on the way to campus. However, look at her now, she is walking everywhere alone without hesitation, with a lot of awareness, and confidence to try new adventures, still be the crying baby, but wiser than she was. She can handle her stress and control her temperament. She understands she can’t do everything, she is not a multitasker, and accepts her flaws, while always trying to be better every day. She is still lazy, sometimes, but she is responsible for finishing what she started. She is not as ambitious as she was before but chooses to be more realistic with a positive mind. She sometimes envies someone else’s life, asking how come they can be so productive at this age, have already done an international conference, have a side job with a huge income, or have an opportunity to travel around the world while doing their master's study. She just needs to be patient, and again, know her limit or feel enough without seeking people’s life. Her time will come.

Now, at the end of this kind of reflection, she is ready to continue her messing life-but pleasure. She missed her life-company so badly, who three days ago still on her side, sleepy together in the corner of a crowded airport. Hardly hold her tears, but they finally exploded when her room felt so quiet after he flew back home. She missed her family, her dogs, her chaotic city, Ketoprak, Gado-gado, and all easy-things-to-get in her home.

But, she is fine. She is full, even if she has to be alone facing the next journey. She is grateful for the life that she has. For every tear falls on her cheeks, for every shit moment on her bad days, and for every knowledge that she gained from new experiences. She is strong, she is loved by everyone around her-with new introverted friends who always ask for cooking together with an extra 2+ hours of talking sessions, including herself. She already walked this far not only for nothing; but for everything she wished for, for each prayer she whispered every night, not to satisfy other people, or even herself, but to celebrate her life. She believes everything will be paid off, every kindness always comes back, and every hope will be listened to, as long as she never stops doing the good things in her life. Thank you, life, for bringing so much to be learned this past year. Thank you to everyone who stayed on her side, and never left her even in her worst times. Thank you, God, for always being there, anywhere, anytime, even sometimes she lost her way to talk to You. And thanks to you. Smile, lift your chin, be brave, because one by one, do not rush, you can pass the day with great stories to re-write again in the future years.

 

Bristol, 9 January 2025